Sometimes it’s all too much
I have debated about whether or not to share this, and after first asking permission to share this mums story (omitting any personal details) I decided that somebody else might need to hear this.
I received an email from a client whom I worked with a few months ago we worked together with her youngest of 2 – her then the 6-month-old son who had suspected reflux that didn’t seem to be getting better with medication. Her son was her second child, she had an older daughter who was currently feeling the brunt of her mum’s exhaustion and lack of time and energy for her. Her previously amenable daughter was now having epic meltdowns for no reason, she refused to do anything by herself, refused to let daddy do anything for her and seemed to have decided that seeing as her brother was getting all the attention by crying and being a baby she would do the same.
Right in the middle of all of this, her husband was busier than ever through covid he is a self-employed tradie spending long hours at jobs and his evenings doing administration and invoicing for his business. This mum had little support from that side and not being able to have family and friends visit meant that she felt more isolated than ever.
While browsing social media, she had noticed one of her friends commenting on my page so she had scrolled through some of the posts on there absentmindedly not ever thinking that she would really enlist the help of a sleep consultant. She later told me that she had this theory in her head that she didn’t want to leave her child to cry it out and that that’s what she thought would be the only option if she enlisted the help of a sleep consultant. She was so scared that she would spend good money on some coldhearted person who didn’t get her son or his needs. She also felt like she would be failing him if she decided to get the help of a sleep consultant and that no good mother would need to get a stranger’s help for their baby. She knew that even as she was thinking it, it was ridiculous too but she just couldn’t help the feelings so she put the phone down and continued on her merry-go-round- feeding hourly overnight, babywearing a screaming child most of the day and dealing with a tantruming toddler. She was beyond exhausted.
A week later something happened in her life that changed that decision forever and changed her view on asking for help too. I will explain what that was in a little bit. In early July I received a call from a mum in tears (this isn’t uncommon), I went through my usual questionnaires with her and we booked a consultation in ASAP for her.
Using the diary that she had sent me and her routine we realised/suspected fairly easily that her son had lactose and dairy intolerance, some simple changes to his diet dramatically helped his symptoms of reflux and the new routine and settling plan dramatically helped his sleeping. Finally, she was getting a 6-hour block of sleep. Within a couple of days mom could see the light at the end of the tunnel she had some more energy and spend this time focusing on having fun with her daughter after only a week of working together, her son’s sleep, settling and behaviour was night and day different. She couldn’t believe that such small changes had made such a dramatic difference on her child’s personality “it’s like I have a different baby” and because of this, she had her happy little girl back too.
I didn’t actually hear back from this mum after this update and thought nothing more of it until I received her email yesterday. The email was a thank you message to me for all the support that I had given her in a dark time. She wanted to tell me what the catalyst was for her finally getting help and how I can never understand how grateful she was/is for my support at that time. That somebody finally listened, really listen to what was going on in her family and gave her practical help and support to get through it. This mum told me that the day that she called me was the lowest point in her parenting journey so far for her, that day she was driving her car with the two kids in the back – her son was screaming in his car seat as he hated the car and the pram and everything else, it seemed and her daughter was screaming at her because she hated listening to her brother cry again.
She was done.
She looked at an oncoming truck, and a thought came into her head – How easy and peaceful it would be just to move her steering wheel just a little bit. It wasn’t just the thought but the feeling of peace that came with that thought that scared her. The realisation of the yearning for that peace for that end is just enough. It was momentary but it was there and from then she knew she had to do something different.
That afternoon she pulled into her garage, left her two screaming children in the car and walked into the house in tears took a few breaths and called me.
I am so grateful that I was available to take the call and that I was on my A-game with my consultation with her as we can all have bad days. I didn’t know at the time that the stakes were so high. I’m so grateful that I was able to help her find her parenting power.
This message is not to say that I can help everybody. I am not a counsellor, or a doctor had I known that she was in the mental place that she was in I certainly would have pushed her to get support from her doctor. But I am so grateful that this worked out for the best. It makes me so angry when I see posts on social media glorifying exhaustion, Marter-ing a mother’s needs for the sake of your baby. A baby waking up more than three times overnight under six months, more than two times overnight over six months is not normal.
A baby not being able to be laid down is not normal.
Living on five blocks of 45 minutes sleeps a day is not normal and it’s not healthy.
Stop normalising hard parenting.
Parenting and that first year is supposed to be challenging yes, Torturous No. It is supposed to be and can be beautiful connected and enjoyable, and there are absolutely so many ways to achieve this, not just attachment parenting. There are many parenting styles in between attachment parenting and controlled crying. You just have to be open to exploring it and understanding it and learning to trust yourself.
I hope that if you are struggling and needing support I hope that you reach out and find the support that you need
